Climbing The Wall

You know there's something seriously wrong with you when you have to talk to your parents about it. Fortunately, it seems to have tackled some of my issues, or at least prodded them a bit. I'm starting to think a little more positively, and although I have my doubts about what I'm going to do when I finish this final year, I feel like I can actually finish it without melting.

I've decided that I need to do a project which is fun and a bit of a "mishmash" of ideas: I don't really have much idea about a theme yet, but it will hopefully end up with a strong narrative. One problem I always seem to come across is a lack of enthusiasm for whatever I end up doing - although I do often find stuff interesting, I struggle to sustain any motivation to make the work. By making the work more fun, more "me", more focused on my everyday life; hopefully it will encourage me to keep making work, and lots of it.

I've been wanting to do a shoot of my band for quite some time, but have never got round to organising it. I'm going to do that. We practice once a week - I make quite an effort to go home every Monday night just for those few hours - so I consider the band an important part of my life. I'm also planning a shoot for a friend's band. I'm buying a Metz flash, another thing I should have done ages ago, and I'm going to start experimenting with that. I want to continue doing my night photography, but allow that part of my practice to be informed by the other things I have planned. I think, in order to love photography again, I need to start taking photos all the time like I used to, and I need to realise that anything I do is worthy of inclusion in the project.

Today I took my first photograph in a long time. It was quite spontaneous, I just forced myself to do something and suddenly had a strange idea for an image. It's not great, and only shot on digital, but once I get my Metz I will reshoot it on the Hasselblad, and maybe even on 5x4. Here it is:

"Computer Music"

Also worth mentioning: I am taking part in a local (Portsmouth) photographic project called Culture Flash. Basically, I'm given a disposable camera (as are 99 other people) to take photographs of.....whatever the hell I want! This will hopefully be quite refreshing for me, as the photographs won't have to mean anything. Visit the Culture Flash website to find out more - Click Here.

"Resolution"

So, the final unit has begun, and yet I feel like I am a million miles from any sort of introduction, let alone a "Resolution". Nothing seems to motivate me to take photographs anymore. I take "pictures" all the time, but that's different - everybody takes pictures. To me, a "photograph" is different: it is much more considered, it has more purpose, and as far as I'm concerned it's film not digital. It's not a snapshot. Disgustingly, I haven't taken a photograph since the end of November - or at least nothing I consider to be a photograph. That's two and a half months. In all fairness, the dissertation was my priority, but surely, as a photographer, I should still be making photographs all the time?

Perhaps it is this strange way I have of differentiating between what is a valid photograph and what is not, that is actually hindering my production. Maybe. But right now I couldn't feel further from being a photographer. The institution of photography has sickened me, it has sucked all the fun out of what was once the most exciting thing I could think of doing. What used to be a joy has dissolved into a lifeless vessel, floating on a sea of resentment.

The worst part is that I truly want to make photographs, but can't bring myself to do it. I want to fall in love with photography again but it's doing nothing to tempt me back. The ongoing saga continues - photography versus music - and no two guesses as to who's winning this time. Why didn't I do a course in music production? Sometimes I feel I've wasted a massive amount of time and money at UCA. Do all thirds years feel like this at some point?!

I'm considering going to see the photography teacher at my old college. She was the one who made me fall in love with photography for the first time, and a rather hopeful part of me believes that she can reawaken my desire to load films, focus lenses and fire shutters. It's a bit of a long shot, but at this point - the lowest I've been throughout my entire education - I think anything is worth a try.

Hello...

I've been meaning to start a blog for a while now, but never quite got round to it. Finally, it appears to have happened.....although I'm not sure how much use I'll make of it. Still, at least it's slightly more productive than sitting on Facebook for hours, waiting for something interesting to happen...which it never does.

Prospectively, this blog will be something of a "mishmash" of posts on photography, music, and just about anything else. I seem to have a lot of ideas all the time but never know what to do with them, so perhaps this will help me to collate my ideas and consequently actually do something worthwhile.

Here's a picture:

"Territory"